It's very important to remember your past mistakes.
One very important thing I've learned in my walk of sobriety is that I will never forget my past mistakes. You will never see me pretending like I didn't make the worst mistakes of my life in my 30s. (Since my 30s is when I went downhill VERY fast when it came to drinking alcohol).
I think that the reason why I waited until my 30s to get all wild and everything was because I married right out of high school. I was in that abusive marriage for 13 years, and when I was finally blessed to get out of that nightmare relationship, I immediately got right into another relationship and married again only 6 months later. That marriage only lasted for 6 years. By the time, I finally got to live alone in my life for the very first time, I went on a bit of the wild side life.
I would like to clear up one thing though that people mistake quite often about my life though. And I have no secrets. I will tell you about anything in my life because honesty, (After God of course) is the most important thing in your life if you want to stay living that sober walk.
I never did drugs in high school. I never even smoked or tried weed. I'm not sure why so many people have that image of me. Maybe because I didn't have any friends, so some just assumed I was a pot head LOL. Nope, I never even tried weed until I was 19 and already moved our of my dad's home and living with my abusive boyfriend at the time. I drank yes, but I didn't even drink that much either at the time. My ex and I would have get together parties and go camping quite often, but there were only a couple of times when I got drunk. My BAD drinking didn't begin until my 30s. Not in my teens, and Not in my 20s either. In my 20s, I spent my life taking care of my 2 little ones and trying not to be murdered by my ex because he was so psycho more that half of the time. When I was 19 and 20 is when I did use weed quite often though.
Now lets talk about METH. The very first time I tried using meth I was 20 years old. I remember the exact day, where I was at, who I was with etc. For some reason, some people have this mental image of me using meth from the time I was in high school until the end of my 13 year abusive marriage. WRONGO! My husband at the time, introduced me to it. I knew he did it, but I never had tried it. He asked me one night if I wanted to try it and I said yes. I was a bit scared, but I snorted a line and of course instantly liked it. Here is where people are so wrong about me though. I used meth from my 20th birthday until I found out I was pregnant with my 1st baby when I was 21 years old. I have NEVER, EVER used it after that time or even before that time. I even stopped smoking weed when I found out I was pregnant. Honestly I never liked how it made me feel anyway, and I HATE THE SMELL OF WEED.
I didn't live a "ROUGH" life LOL. The only thing that was rough about my life was being beat to a pulp day in and day out by my ex husband. I honestly think I look really great for a 51 year old Nana who drank a lot off and on for 20 years. But I didn't live a rough life. I just made horribly wrong decisions.
There were times that people would even think I was "high" or on drugs at times. But what they didn't understand was that after living so so long in that brutal of a domestic abuse situation, I couldn't even look anyone in the eyes when I would talk to them. I would look at the ground to have conversations. I would never speak my mind. I would constantly cower down at the world. I WAS SCARED! I WAS SCARRED! Some people would mistake that for me being on some kind of drug but I wasn't.
It wasn't easy living in a marriage where my husband at the time was a meth addict and even cooking meth in the garage while I was pregnant. But I never touched it after I knew I was pregnant. I spent ALOT of time alone, but I didn't care. I wasn't doing that to my unborn baby.
Now, drinking......that's a different story.
After my second divorce, (and that marriage was a complete joke), I finally got to live on my own for the very first time in my life. I wasn't real bad at first. Then I got a job working at a casino in Oklahoma. That's when it all started...Now I'm about to tell you some of the horrible things that I DID do. Just don't assume things that are not true about me, because I will be the first to tell you the truth. I will laugh even louder than everyone else does at me. God has me. God knows my strong points, and my greatest strength is being able to laugh at myself louder than anyone else can because I won't let anyone hurt me when it comes to anyone thinking they know things about me when they don't know know at all.
(Things I did through my alcoholism)
1. Lost many many jobs for putting alcohol first.
2. Lost my whole paychecks in the same day of getting paid by either drinking it all up or gambling it all away)
3. Lost cars due to not making payments because partying was more important.
4. Got kicked out of homes for not paying rent because partying was more important.
5. Left my two young kids at home alone more than once, so I could go to a guys house that I was dating at the time and partying was more important than my kids.
6. Eventually gave guardianship of my two children to my sister and her husband because partying was more important.
7. Getting another car and having to live in it for awhile because I had no home, no job. I had given up everything for drinking.
8. Getting arrested more than 10 times for "assault, public intoxication, disturbing the peace, dui, running from the police in a car and then on foot and more" not in any specific order.
9. Having to eat out of restaurant trash cans because I had no money for food. Spending money on beer was more important than eating at the time.
10. Selling almost everything that I could for money to buy alcohol because drinking was more important than having nice things.
So as you can see, these are only 10 things listed that I did in my past. I'm very embarrassed by all of these things that I've done. But you know, it's MY past and I can't change it. My past has made me the amazing person I am today. Is that maybe a little arrogant? Perhaps, but being a good Christian is being 100% honest to everyone around me including myself.
I have a great relationship with my kids, my husband, my grandkids and my whole family! I have Christian friends who don't try to lead me down a dirt road to destruction. I'm closer to my sister than I have ever been in years and that's the greatest feeling in the world! I couldn't love my life any more than I do in this moment. I work daily on my relationship with God and how I act even when I'm alone. I'm the same person no matter where you will see me at. I'm happy, free and sober.
I'd do anything to change my past. To change how I treated my kids when they were smaller. I'd do anything to hug them tight one more time while they were little and tell them how sorry I am for the things I did. But the amazing thing about my kids is that they are pushing up on their 30s now and they love me so much. They know all of this about my past and they forgave me without hesitation. I have amazing children! I'm so proud of them! And I have also forgiven myself.
One of the biggest steps in recovery is forgiving yourself!
Anyway. I just wanted to talk a little today about my past addictions and get the story out there. The real story LOL. No more thinking I was this crazy meth head, because I wasn't. I used it for about 10 months and was done with it. (Which I'm NOT proud of!)
I hope this post helps other people in my situation who is walking that sober life now to be honest about your past and it's OKAY to laugh at yourself with others. (Even if it might hurt your feelings a little bit)
Be the bigger person always.
Remember, people mocked Jesus. They laughed at him. They made fun of him.
And he asked his father in heaven to forgive them.
Thank you Jesus for living in my heart.
See you all tomorrow!
xoxoxo Michelle Neal