Below, I'm going to explain MY take on forgiveness and what it means to me.
I hope everyone had an amazing October 6th!
It's so pretty outside, I ended up going for a walk with my rescue dog Maddy.
What do you think about when you hear the word forgiveness? Do you even believe in forgiving others for their mistakes? Have you ever had to ask someone else for forgiveness? Sometimes people only want forgiveness, but they never want to offer it. Today I'm going to dive into that very difficult word.
Now being 1 year and 2 months sober from alcohol abuse, I have been thinking A LOT about forgiveness lately. When you've struggled with addiction in any way whether it has to do with drugs, alcohol or any other addiction, it seems that "we" are the ones who are always having to ask for forgiveness from those we hurt.
People like to turn ALL blame on the one who is struggling with addiction and it's really really sad. There are many times when I got blamed for things when the fault wasn't even mine to own, "because I drank", or "because I have to take daily medication for mental things going on in my brain". But you know what? I just always took the blame no matter what. A lot of people will use your addiction to their advantage so they can hide their own addictions. It's a very awful situation, but a real one that no one ever wants to talk about.
So in saying all of that in the paragraph above, it mean's that I have had to forgive MANY people for how I was treated during my alcohol addiction.
Here are the top 3 things of what forgiveness means to me.
1) I will never stay clean unless I FULLY forgive wholeheartedly.
2) Forgiveness to me is the ULTIMATE form of intimacy you can ever witness!!!!
3) I will not be forgiven by my father in heaven if I don't forgive everyone who has hurt me. And if that isn't enough to terrify you, then PLEASE study on it and read some scriptures.
Forgiveness is sooooooo not easy haha. There were some days where I had to give the same situation to God 2 or 3 times a day. But it just comes down to this. Either forgive someone whole heartedly, or stop messing around with a lie. Stop lying to yourself and to God because HE knows you're just pulling the wool over his eyes. (Or trying to. That won't work.)
Here is where I make people angry with me because not everyone thinks the same way of course. Everyone handles hurt differently. But in all honestly, if you forgive someone 100%, then we should all feel the same right?
Here is as example of the hardest time I ever had to forgive someone....
So, if you have read my book, "The Silence in Rest A While", then you know I was raised in a very abusive home life. My father verbally, mentally, physically and also sexually abused me. I HATED HIM. Literally there were times I wished that either I would die or that he would die. I didn't care who died first, just one of us had to go so the torment would end. After I finally got out of his house, I still really didn't like him, but he ended up getting injured very badly.
It was the hardest thing ever to go and visit him at hospitals, nursing homes, live in homes and his own home after he healed from most of his injuries, (Other than his TBI), he was paralyzed on the left side of his body for the rest of his life and was in a wheelchair until he died. Okay, so here is my point on that.....
I struggled for YEARS to forgive him. But in the end, I was with him by his side in the hospital when he took his last breath. I knew it was his last breath as soon as he took it. I heard the last gurgle of breath from his fluid filled lungs. At that moment, I shook him drastically saying DAD WAKE UP, DAD NO! I wasn't ready for him to leave me because I hadn't told him verbally that I forgave him. Well, the reason why I hadn't told him yet, was because I hadn't truly forgave him yet. But it was at that moment that I wholeheartedly forgave him for everything he had ever done to me and my mom and my siblings. And I told him, "Dad I forgive you."
The second hardest time I ever had to forgive someone was forgiving the man who killed my mom. It was sooooooo difficult! My mom was my best friend. We did everything together by this time. I was either at her house picking her up to go thrifting, or she was coming over to my house to spend time with my kids. She loved them so much and she was very good to them. Even though my mom had an alcohol addiction, I never made her stay away. Making that decision was the best I had ever made because of the wonderful memories I have with her and the wonderful memories that my kids have with her.
I'll never forget the last time I seen my mom. I was at work and I looked out my classroom window and seen her pull up in the parking lot. I was so very excited when I seen her walking across the parking lot to come inside the school. I kept waiting and waiting for her to come back to my classroom to say hi to me and give me a hug, but she never did. So I kept watching for her outside, and then I seen her running across the parking lot to her car, crying. She got in her car, drove away, and I never seen her again. The last memory of her was crying and running away.
I went to her house after work that day to try and catch her, but she wasn't there. I was very sad. So I went home, a couple days went by and that's when I got the call from my sister that my mom was missing. She had been missing for almost 3 days before anyone even told me. That was super hard to deal with. But I think about it, and in a situation like that, how does anyone know what to do when everyone is in a moment of panic and fear.
It took me years to forgive Edward Monroe for killing my mom. But I did forgive him wholeheartedly after years passed. It's funny when I think about this today, but I can hear my mom telling me in these words exactly, "Now Sis, You need to let it go, what's done is done." And if you know my mom, that's exactly what she would say. LOL. She always used that one a lot. "Now sis!" lol. Man I miss her so much. I think the hardest part is that her body was never found and we never knew how she even died. But God knows.
Edward was a very sick man 100% mentally. And I forgave him. I can only imagine how beautiful my mom's smile was when she got to meet Jesus and hug his neck. She no longer struggled with her alcohol addiction. She no longer was sad. There were so many nights she cried herself to sleep talking to me about things she was so sad and broken over. MAN, I can't wait to see her again! My mom Sandra. She was a Christian and believed that Jesus died on the cross for her. My dad, Donald, was a Christian and asked for forgiveness for his sins and was born again. He's probably in Heaven walking with mom. Mom always loved him no matter how mean he was to her and she always forgave him.
So, now I'm going to get very deep into this word "Forgiveness" and why you HAVE to really forgive 100%. You have all these open doors to make sure people are saved, but people ignore those chances. Edward Monroe was a complete stranger to me. 2 years after he killed my mom, he died of lung cancer. And the thing that made me the saddest is that I never got the chance to go talk to him and make sure he was saved. I had a chance to talk to him about God's love and mercy and forgiveness. So I don't know if he was saved or not when he died. Shame on me! My job as Jesus's follower is to get people to heaven. Not to hate people because of their sin. (This is Forgiveness in the fullest form of ULTIMATE INTAMACY!)
Someone hurt you? SO WHAT! Forgive them and make sure they know Jesus!!!
I really hope that you liked reading my blog today.
I will see you all tomorrow!
xoxoxo, Michelle Neal