Have You Ever Felt Invisible?

Happy May 1st everyone. I was really looking forward to today and very excited to see what May brings to me. Sometimes things don't go as planned and people make you feel invisible. 90% of the time, that's probably because it's all in your own mind but people can also increase this effect on your brain. 

Every Monday-Friday I babysit my grandkids from around 7am-6pm, give or take a few minutes depending on the days. Then on the weekends, I usually will try to keep my other grandkids over that I don't see during the week because they are in school, so they don't feel left out. So, I don't get alone time. My alone time is at nighttime between the hours of 7pm-11pm. That's only FOUR hours a day Monday-Friday that I get alone. My alone time means everything to me because it usually takes the first TWO hours of those days just to try and calm my mind, and then the other TWO hours before I go to bed to sit down finally get to read and write. 

I am NOT complaining. Just explaining my days and what it consists of. I love my grandchildren to the moon and back and then around again 100 times, but sometimes I feel that grandparents shouldn't have to have their grandkids every day. The only reason being it takes some of the fun away from being a grandparent. I also want to point out that I was the one who offered to babysit my grandchildren. My daughter didn't ask me to.

There are FOUR reasons why I offered to babysit my grandchildren. 
1) Because you can't trust anyone in this world when it comes to abusing children and this way I don't have to worry about who's watching them and how their being treated. If they're being fed or hit, etc.
2) Because my daughter was going to have to pay over $400 a week for a daycare to watch only two of the kids and I wanted to save her money. I do charge my daughter $100 a week for babysitting. That way she saves A TON of money, while I still get a little bit of money in my pocket to buy a few small things that I like.
3) Because I always put everyone else first before myself. I'm not trying to wear a halo bragging, that's just how I am. I always offer help not thinking about what the outcome is going to do to myself. And then it's too hard for me to explain myself to others in fear of making them upset with me or mad so I just don't say anything at all not worrying about the mental stress it puts on an aged women who is in recovery.
4) When I got out of inpatient rehab, honestly, I was scared to be all alone in the house all day in fear that I might drink or pick up the bottle again. BUT it's just the opposite. Being stressed out every day is what makes it tough. No breaks, etc. I need some mental alone time, and not for just 4 hours a day. Most everyone you know, gets to go to work, o yes sure, whoa, go to work, wow! But they get that alone time, in the car driving. Or jumping in their car whenever they want to go here or there just to get away for a few seconds. I CAN'T DO THAT. I'm in my house EVERYDAY and someone is always there! I don't get the pleasures of getting to jump in my car anytime I want just to get out of the house and breathe or to be alone. I can go outside, and get some fresh air, but I have kids with me. Or I have to get rides to go anywhere unless I walk so there again, never alone.

So now that all of that's been read, I'm sure you're thinking, wow she's ungrateful or that I'm complaining. No, not at all. Like I said above I absolutely love my grandkids to death, and I love time with them. But it's getting to the point that I don't enjoy it as much because I already have them every day. I don't understand why other grandparents can't step in to help out sometimes. Honestly that really makes me sad. Why can't other grandparents care to help out as much as I do? 

I just feel invisible. I never get to talk to adults, and when I do get to, I feel half the time I'm being ignored or looked over. And I know I'm not; that's just the way I feel. I have an amazing relationship with my daughter, but we aren't close like we used to be. We only see each other if she's picking up the kids or if their papa and I are picking the kids up. There is no, "Hey want to have dinner together?" Or "Want to watch a movie?" No, it's all about babysitting and I'm super sad about it. If I message anyone, I'm lucky to even get my message looked at, or it gets read over.

So, if you're feeling invisible like I am today, here are some great tips to turn that around.

1) Try to be more expressive with your voice and practice caring more about yourself. If you don't put yourself first, then NO ONE is going to.
2) Reconnect with your fearless side! This will make you start to feel more comfortable when you're trying to explain your feelings. Remember: If the other person truly loves and cares about you, they will understand, and they hopefully don't want you to feel that way anyway.
3) Remember to take baby steps. Even if you need to go speak with your therapist first. Don't just blow up or let everything out at once. Once step at a time so you don't overwhelm yourself.
4) People feel invisible sometimes because people just get so use to the other person always putting themselves first that they don't really appreciate them. You need to practice specking about your feelings. If people don't understand your feelings, then they probably just don't care or want to hear it. (Sometimes people only care about what's going on in their own lives)
5) Check Back INTO your LIFE! Have you checked out of your own life because you're always doing for others? Then you need to focus on getting checked back in because you end up snapping and start slowly going back downhill until you crash out and it's too late.
6) Stop people pleasing and only help when you really want to. Childhood emotional neglect and mental health disorders play a part in all this, the way to gain freedom and start feeling seen again is to stop PEOPLE PLEASING.

Here's praying for a better day tomorrow!

xoxoxo, Michelle Neal